Twirling, twirling, twirling

Are you alright?

Why yes, I should say, I was alright. But then you asked me, and I thought maybe I'm not alright.

That's strange. 

What's strange is my inability to pinpoint what it is that is exactly... not alright about me.

You're just being silly. You're over-thinking things. 

Perhaps, quite. Quite silly. Doesn't change the fact.

What fact?

I don't know.

You've lost me.

I'm lost too. But I feel sick.

You're making yourself feel that way. Just stop.

How?

Just do it.

I don't know how.

Calm down!

I am calm, but not really. I feel a bit lost.

Everything's okay.

Is it?

Well, I'm sure there are some things that are a bit in the open. But that's okay, isn't it?

I'm not sure. It makes me uneasy.

You don't want to be boring, do you?

No, I want excitement.

This is exciting.

What is?

The unknown.          

Moving out & dodgy cunts

So welcome to the mansion...

I've moved into a house that has character.
This particular character is riddled with parasites and is someone you would avoid outside of the bar, but perhaps be good friends with on a particularly drunken night.

Character.

I am not a particularly anal person when it comes to cleaning and such. I just like to know that I use the toilet I wont catch several STDs. I'm a bitch like that.

It is quite the party house, except at the same time if you have people over the thing they all say is "the house has a lot of potential". That is the exact same sentiment we had when we moved in. Only the cracked window and stuff from the previous tenants is more of an inconvenience than we had previously thought.

As is the legion of possums outside which have fed on the mysterious collection of plants and become enraged super possums.

....Not really. That'd be pretty cool though.
They're just normal possums. They poop and make a fucked up noise.

Speaking of fucked up noises, there was a loud noise downstairs and the housemates and I armed ourselves and went downstairs to face the attacker. They grabbed swords from their rooms and I didn't want to be unarmed so I grabbed the quickest, most weapon-like thing I could find. In heinsight I could have looked for 30secs more and grabbed my pocket knife.

But that wouldn't have been nearly as awesome as...

Mr. Planky was out for blood!
I like to think people think I would draw on it before marching downstairs into battle!
However, that was a previous drunken antics (#sharehouse lyff)

So we get down there and search around and figure out it's probably nothing/a possum(blood possum/blossum)/wind/etc... we return upstairs VICTORIOUS!

I just imagine if we were in a video game that I would be the joke character that you chose because you liked the outfit or they said funny catch phrases. Or you got an achievement if you complete the game using JUST Mr. Planky.

Yeppers. This is how my brain works.

I'm lovely

So...

People are stupid.
But this is not news to anyone.

At work the other day I wanted to read finishing my book, "the secret history" but my co-worker insisted on watching videos narrated by the most annoying voice on the planet. Having said this, you have to take into account that I have seen Japan-orama. Great show, except I have very limited patience for lisps.

This guy didn't have a lisp. He was just stupid. Talking about shit I don't care about. The history of pac man. Jesus christ even if the guy narrating this was Chris Hemsworth or Justin Timberlake or even Brad Pitt (I enjoyed a documentary about the third world struggle because of Brad's sexy voice. Yes. Enjoyed. Watching them... dem kidz.)

So I left and sat outside in the shade, it was a nice day. Sunny, with a nice breeze.

Then BAM! Tradies. I overheard more than I would care to mention. Although more than once were profanities used. Outside a childcare centre. How uncooth. What cunts.

At the time I had such a feeling of anger and superiority that I just wanted to walk away and sit feeling happy in my own little pretentious world. But I sat there and managed to be abosrbed into the world of the book and then only return again when my cravings for caffiene set in...

Now, being shallow does have its' perks. Because you are able to look past things like personality and just appreciate the art. The Beauty of people. However, they didn't even have that.

Ehem, so I guess what I'm trying to say is...

If you're not pretty, and you have a shit personality, and a shit voice. Don't be near me, don't let me hear you, see you, smell you. Nobody wants your shit.

Rawrrrr! I'm a dinosaur! (Also, I'm going to move out, yo)

And they will laugh (ahahahahahahahgahaahaha)

Sooo...
I bought a dinosaur muffin tray. No big deal. Are you kidding me? That shit cray.
It's the first purchase towards my "throwing myself in the deep end adventure extravanganza!"
Which is what I'm going to call it now. Or. Like. TMITDEAE... how aboubt DEAE.
Deep End Extravanganza REPRESENT!

Oh lordy loo am I white.

NOW!
This is going to be oh so terrifying.

No more NBN.
Having to work otherwise having to move out.
Perhaps not being able to take Harley with me?
Bills.
Food.
Looking after myself!!
What is the world coming too...

I suppose, these things have to happen. & maybe I'll learn a lot.

Take a risk once in a while, christ! What do you want from me.
I'm a mother fuckin' baller.

I found a book today in ...the book store. That was called "surviving the streets". There was a page on the DJ scene, asbestos... you know. The usshh when you're in 'da hood'. As I assume I will be. This book was great. Colourful. Scary people of all different sizes, shapes, colours.

PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TO MIDDLE CLASS SUBURBUN LIFE!
It's scary out here!

Although, truth be told the book would have been amusing and a good read potentially. But no way in hell was I paying $50 for that piece of crap. I can only hope that some 90 billion year old buys that for their pregnant teenage grandaughter to tell her she's kicked out. Oh, haha. What a laugh that would be.
What a waste of your pension, grandma Jill!

Just a short one to put that out there.
More on DEAE soon, puppet!

Staying home to play WoW instead of a 21st

AND I CAN'T FUCKING LOGIN BECAUSE OF AUTHENTICATING!

Okay okay.
Now, this is actually my main problem, not the fact that I am being totally lame and staying home rather than going to a 21st for 3 different people.

But it's okay because I only know one of them.

&& I'm really hungover.
Antibiotics, tequila and vodka are a dangerous combination.
Who knew?

Aaaaand... it's still authenticating.

In the mean time here's a joke.

Why'd the mexican push his wife off a cliff?
TEQUILA!

Hahahahaha!
I so funneh.
But not really because I saw it online and I laughed super hard.

So you know what really rustles my jimmies?
My brother talking about "all the women I've dated" when he has no experience, trying to tell me shit.
People who don't like mushrooms. They're great!
Vegetarians.
Hangovers.
Buses.
Wiggas.
Living at home.
& other things but my creativity is NOT with me right now.

I saw paranormal activity 4 the other day.
It's funny because all those movies have different directors and they're all terrible. This one was exceptionally boring. The soundtrack. Those ominous tones? Yeah, they're onto a winner for sure.

It reminded me of my ex though. Considering we went to see the third one for our first date. He's gone all strange though and told me how he was super pissed at me because I'm a horrible person even though he's a massive douchebag. HarleyQuinn and I know how to pick 'em. But I mean at least the Joker plays with her and does it with a smile not that... you know that expression people who think they're cool have all the time because smiling is too... I dunno... normal? And this weird strut thing. Not attractive. You can't walk next to that. It's like they don't quite know how to walk and they're constantly dizzy or something so they have to keep re-adjusting so they don't fall off the planet.

Arrrgh! I've been disconnected again.

I also dislike people who freak out when they're licked by a dog. Get over yourselves you prissy bitches, he's giving you a kiss.
I don't like full cream milk and/or people asking me if I reaaaally need skim milk. Nah, I was asking for shits and giggles.

you know what's super cool though?
STRINGERS!

You must admit you loved them in Primary school.
They're super cool.
Watching all the babies eat them I've gotten really excited.
They also make me want yoghurt. Babies love that shit.
They make it look so tasty.
In fact, I would totally eat a yoghurt marinated baby.

Mmmmm... steak.

I googled cooking a baby and this came up:

This video is not funny, and the filming and everything is just ...awful.
But the thing that made me laugh (and therefore everyone else will) is one of the comments:
"why would people have a baby then cook it if you dont want a baby then dont have one".
This comment is brought to you by cheyanne randall 
My, my Cheyanne, will somebody PLEASE think of the children! 

You know it!

You know that time when you go to get the adapter for your camera so you can upload photos to facebook so it looks like you have a life and don't just stare into the distance thinking of puns, blogging, yelling at video games & procrastinating every aspect of productive life?

Too specific?
This is why I shouldn't write for a newspaper.

The title would be like "that time you were meant to go out and then you didn't so you started to clean but you didn't do that either and then you went to eat icecream and then you couldn't because the kilojoule count was too high so instead you watched cartoons and napped and when you woke up at 6am you were wide awake and nobody was awake to talk to you so you just went on tumblr and looked at cats even though you're a dog person"

...the article would be about three words long.

The title was the bulk, I'd just use the newspaper to talk about my life.
Which is my favourite activity.

Self obsessed?
I am by no means self obsessed!

Okay okay.
Back to the world that other humans inhabit I have created a better use of nipples.
Imagine utilizing that space for something other than creating annoying bumps in tops/dresses etc and for honking.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
Nipples are all good.
But I'm all about the ideas.
Utilizing these things for the greater good. (The greater good).

I mean, I like nipples so much I learned how to create nipple tassles the other day at a hen's night [pasties].

Which is the original inspiration for my invention. "Nipple homing missles".
Now, these are to be used for two different hings...

1.) I have a massive problem losing all my shit, so they will help you find them, in this case, they do not damage the goods.

2.) Defending yourself against nibbly grabs (is that a thing?) or just. y'know. Douches.


Side note: I'm in a good mood, but I want to drink good. I'm listening to funkoars and talking shit to people and drinking the terrible goon that's been sitting in my drawer seems more temping than it should be. Nobody is really online that would tell me "don't do it, you fool" but perhaps we'll just not mention it.

Is a funkoars & goon night in when you're a tiny white girl in child care on a week night and you haven't just been dumped a thing?

It goddam should be.

THE END.

I can't find my Xbox controller, I might murder my dog

Where the fuck is my xbox controller? I need to be saving Gotham!
That was my thought earlier today. Which lead to thinking, oh christ. What if  the puppies have gotten to it? Then thinking fuck. is it worth having this cute thing be all adorable n shit when she just destroys my stuff? Maybe I should never have gotten one!

Of course I found it moments later behind the couch but that's beside the point. She had destroyed my network cord days earlier and the $30 required for me to buy a new one is just an outrage. So I've been using my smart phone's wi-fi instead. Until today when I realised I can just use the cord direct from the NBN and deny the laptop internet, muahhahaha.

This is Harley-Quinn about to attack Batman, the one lying on him is Kiki.

Yes, I named my dog after Harley-Quinn, but I mostly just call her "Harley" so that makes it more normal, right? Or the fact that I call her "Harl" or "Harlz", because we're totally so close and I'm cool like that.

Ehem, so perhaps it's the impatience I feel right now because I just ate two buritos and I want to eat dessert while playing secret world but they haven't digested yet but puppy training is making me pretty keen and anxious and all these emotions at once that I shouldn't be worrying about just yet but because I'm batshit I am.

This stems from me trying to take a box away from Harley and experiencing difficulties.

Why can't she play with the super cool toys I give her like this toy that looks like tree trunks from adventure time or the blue batman plushie pictured above!?

Why she would rather chew on my tissues (I have been sick for forever & ever and it's making me mad) which is like. totally super gross. And boxes? I'm not a particularly tidy person, I'll admit. But comeon, Harlz. We need to work as a team here!