I'm lovely

So...

People are stupid.
But this is not news to anyone.

At work the other day I wanted to read finishing my book, "the secret history" but my co-worker insisted on watching videos narrated by the most annoying voice on the planet. Having said this, you have to take into account that I have seen Japan-orama. Great show, except I have very limited patience for lisps.

This guy didn't have a lisp. He was just stupid. Talking about shit I don't care about. The history of pac man. Jesus christ even if the guy narrating this was Chris Hemsworth or Justin Timberlake or even Brad Pitt (I enjoyed a documentary about the third world struggle because of Brad's sexy voice. Yes. Enjoyed. Watching them... dem kidz.)

So I left and sat outside in the shade, it was a nice day. Sunny, with a nice breeze.

Then BAM! Tradies. I overheard more than I would care to mention. Although more than once were profanities used. Outside a childcare centre. How uncooth. What cunts.

At the time I had such a feeling of anger and superiority that I just wanted to walk away and sit feeling happy in my own little pretentious world. But I sat there and managed to be abosrbed into the world of the book and then only return again when my cravings for caffiene set in...

Now, being shallow does have its' perks. Because you are able to look past things like personality and just appreciate the art. The Beauty of people. However, they didn't even have that.

Ehem, so I guess what I'm trying to say is...

If you're not pretty, and you have a shit personality, and a shit voice. Don't be near me, don't let me hear you, see you, smell you. Nobody wants your shit.

You know it!

You know that time when you go to get the adapter for your camera so you can upload photos to facebook so it looks like you have a life and don't just stare into the distance thinking of puns, blogging, yelling at video games & procrastinating every aspect of productive life?

Too specific?
This is why I shouldn't write for a newspaper.

The title would be like "that time you were meant to go out and then you didn't so you started to clean but you didn't do that either and then you went to eat icecream and then you couldn't because the kilojoule count was too high so instead you watched cartoons and napped and when you woke up at 6am you were wide awake and nobody was awake to talk to you so you just went on tumblr and looked at cats even though you're a dog person"

...the article would be about three words long.

The title was the bulk, I'd just use the newspaper to talk about my life.
Which is my favourite activity.

Self obsessed?
I am by no means self obsessed!

Okay okay.
Back to the world that other humans inhabit I have created a better use of nipples.
Imagine utilizing that space for something other than creating annoying bumps in tops/dresses etc and for honking.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
Nipples are all good.
But I'm all about the ideas.
Utilizing these things for the greater good. (The greater good).

I mean, I like nipples so much I learned how to create nipple tassles the other day at a hen's night [pasties].

Which is the original inspiration for my invention. "Nipple homing missles".
Now, these are to be used for two different hings...

1.) I have a massive problem losing all my shit, so they will help you find them, in this case, they do not damage the goods.

2.) Defending yourself against nibbly grabs (is that a thing?) or just. y'know. Douches.


Side note: I'm in a good mood, but I want to drink good. I'm listening to funkoars and talking shit to people and drinking the terrible goon that's been sitting in my drawer seems more temping than it should be. Nobody is really online that would tell me "don't do it, you fool" but perhaps we'll just not mention it.

Is a funkoars & goon night in when you're a tiny white girl in child care on a week night and you haven't just been dumped a thing?

It goddam should be.

THE END.